Bipolar Disorder--Always Lurking.

I'm bipolar. No problem, though. No symptoms for 35 years. Then my psychiatrist switched me from Lithium to Lamotrigine.

I have no idea why I agreed. He explained that Lithium doesn't get along very well with my blood pressure medication, and he was concerned about potential future lithium clashes with other meds.

Everything seemed fine on Lamotrigine for a couple months, although looking back I remembered being on a mild manic high several times. In truth I was on an almost imperceptible downward slippery slope, then suddenly I was drowning in old familiar bipolar symptoms – tenseness, memory impairment, and disinterest in everyone and everything. I couldn't think straight.

Two weeks into this misery I begged my doctor to put me back on lithium. Thinking I wasn't getting enough Lamotrigine, he doubled the dose. Another week deep in my bipolar black hole. In desperation I talked with a staff member in his office. She took pity on me and phoned my doctor. He agreed on the phone to my going back to lithium.

In the end it was philosophical as well as medical. I wanted to feel good in the present as I always had on lithium. He said his responsibility was to look after my medical future as well.

No perfect ending in sight.